Hope and Gratitude

The world works in a funny way, God is Testing. 

He Tests us because He Knows that we can handle the tests, the hardships and whatever comes our way. 

But we are allowed to feel. 

And God Allows us to feel. 

We are flawed humans. 

And I have begun to understand, what it was that kept ruining us all: Hope. 

I am reminded of the story of a homeless man who is sitting outside the building or a house, in the winter evening. And a civilian comes, and sees the homeless man. He says to the man, are you not cold? 

The homeless man, replied saying that he was used to the cold. 

The civilian says he will bring him a coat, or food- I can't remember which one. 

So, the civilian goes inside his house. And he completely forget about the homeless man, as he was caught up in his work. He suddenly remembered about the homeless man in the morning. He rushes out to the man with the food/coat. 

But the homeless man had died. 

The moral was that the homeless man had hope after he heard that the civilian was going to bring him a coat- that gave him hope. And, because he waited for the civilian and the coat, he had died from the cold, he died with hope, thinking that the civilian was going to bring him the warm coat.

The moral was, don't give hope and make promises until you're about to deliver the deed that you intended to do. 

And, I realised that applied to my family and I. 

We knew my cousin was getting married, and knew that definitely, we couldn't go, due to financial problems; the wedding was in another country. We didn't care about it, because we knew it wasn't possible to go to the wedding. However, my cousin had messaged my Mum, giving us all, possibly false hopes, offering to pay for our tickets, so we could attend the wedding. 

It was a week ago. 

I had initially dismissed it, not believing it. 

But, ridiculously, I let the possibility to brew in my mind, as each day passed. 

We all got excited by the time the weekend came, because it was time for the buying of tickets. But, the prices had gone up. We had helped to search. 

But as time passed, we began to realise, that it was going to end in disappointment. 

I am sat, on the ground, scrolling on my phone, emotionally drained. 

Hope has went out like a candle. 

It hasn't been confirmed that we are not going, but it feels like, we won't be going after all. 

Having hope is sometimes a losing game. 

It's a guarantee that it will either end in a happy ending, or most of the time, a disappointment. 

I let myself down, allowing such fantasy that could occur. 

I was thrilled to be going to the country after 5 years of not being able to go, to get all my favourite foods. 

I like travelling to countries- albeit, only went to one country. 

My father has often claimed that travelling was sucky, was the worst possible thing an individual could do; yet, he has travelled to five different countries. We are not entirely convinced that he hates it. 

And it seems, I think- quite bitterly- that all the people that apparently hates travelling and complained about travelling, are privileged, and are able to travel, yet, the people, who are unable to travel, and never once complained, couldn't even travel at all. We haven't travelled anywhere due to problems. 

It's unfortunate. 

People who complained, could travel, and those who didn't complain, couldn't travel. 

Not once. 

And, I am frustrated at having let myself wish it. 

I am usually pessimistic about things. 

But just this time, my pessimism didn't suffuse my soul like it did. Instead, possibility and hope filled me up. 

And I let my guard down, I let my heart be broken. 

It wasn't the wedding I wanted to attend- no. 

It was the food I had craved for all these years, and performing a pilgrim in Saudi Arabia. 

But it hurt, that we are not going. 

It hurt me a bit more that I let myself believe that we would go. 

Because, for five years, we have claimed that we would go: and we never did. 

I am just so emotionally drained from everything, it's like Life gives me something to look forward to, but then squeezes me like a stress ball, squeezing all the hope out of me, because it was never going to happen. And every drop of hope or sanity I could possibly have left, has been squeezed out. And, until Life gives me another thing to look forward to which gives me hope, I slowly recoil back into a normal ball, and I fall into another one of its trap like a fly, and end up being squeezed again, slowly, losing hope and feeling exhausted. 

Hope is never a good thing. Though, it keeps us alive most of the time.

I just wish, that I could remove this feeling of wanting to hope, or anything that allows me to hope.  

Omnia causa fiunt. 

(Everything happens for a reason).